Adrift

I’d like the memory of me to be a happy one,
I’d like to leave an afterglow of smiles when day is done.
I’d like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I’d like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun,
Of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.

In memory of my friend, Mel.
Born June 30, 1975
Won her wings Sept. 16, 2009

How many times have I said that shit happens?

And how many seconds, minutes, days, months, will I grieve?

Today’s a new day.

I’ve had a very rough past 2-3 months with deaths of close ones and grieving those I’ve lost in the past. However, I need to move on.

Nancy – Thanks for all the unyielding support you’ve given me, especially lately, even though it seems like I’ve given up on myself.

I started the day very good.

I feel weak, my heart is barely keeping me alive, but I am walking forwards and will not give in at all. This struggle took many years of my life away, and I refuse to let it do this to me again! I’m pissed. Pissed goddamnit, that life is hard and so unfair at times. However, to a certain point, I am in control of my future and can’t let grief take part of my soul away again. I need to gain control.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurting; I can hardly breathe this morning and keep directing my eyes at the sky hoping the tears will fade away. I’d be lying if I said that I was focused and determined; there’s nothing more I’d want right now than to starve and let myself wither away. And man would I ever be lying if I said that things will be alright; it surely doesn’t feel that way right now.

For those that are starting from scratch, know that yes it is hard but it can be done. I’m starting all over again, as if I was starting my journey back on March 15, 2009. You have to stay motivated and determined to do it… and overcome the first few seconds… then minutes… and hours. Baby steps!

That’s where I stand right now; overcoming my deamons, but I’m at my 2nd hour and going strong. Then, after succeeding hours, you overcome a day, and days, and as soon as you’ll know it, a week will have gone by. That’s how the first few weeks feel like… holding on a piece of thread and not letting go for the first 300 hours. Sure, you’re probably thinking it’s impossible, but it can be done.

Define yourself by being positive.

I miss my son; I miss my friend – and it’s okay to be sad and mad.

However, it’s not okay to do this to myself and it certainly isn’t okay if you do this to yourself either. Weight is the big green monster on your shoulder whispering in your ear, “You’re worthless, you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re weak, you can’t do it.” But all of those things are untrue, and you all know it.

So tonight…
Instead of watching television… go exercise. You can do it;
Instead of eating junk food… cook a healthy meal. Don’t be lazy;
Instead of grabbing a piece of chocolate… eat a salad; and

If your heart is hurting like mine, do what I’ll do tonight: use that pain and fuel it into anger – work out until you can’t anymore, until you break down and cry and scream, “Life is so f–in unfair, but I won’t waste it anymore”.

And let yourself heal.